It Is Not Trauma That Is Holding You Back
Everywhere you look online, you’ll hear the same message:
“Your trauma defines you.”
“You’ll never really heal.”
And for a long time, I believed it too.I spent years feeding, watering, and tucking in that idea – that I was broken, damaged, and forever limited by what had happened to me as a child.
But here’s the truth: I was giving my power away.
Then I stumbled on something that changed everything – Alfred Adler’s radical philosophy, beautifully captured in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
After hours of reading and research, I poured myself a glass of wine and exhaled with relief. Because the finger of blame that once pointed helplessly to the past… now pointed squarely at me.
And that was good news. Because if the problem was no longer “back there,” then the power to change was right here.
Sigmund Freud’s model tells us that our childhood experiences – especially our wounds and traumas — shape who we become. It’s a compelling story: “I am this way because of what happened to me.”
But Adler didn’t buy that.
He believed that it’s not our past that defines us – it’s the goals and choices we make today.
He called this teleology: the idea that behaviour is goal-directed.
We act not because of what happened, but because of what purpose our actions serve right now.
In other words, we’re not victims of causality – we’re authors of direction.
Adler wrote:
“The trauma is the excuse, not the cause.”
It stings, doesn’t it? But it’s also one of the most freeing ideas you’ll ever encounter.
Because when trauma becomes an explanation for every unhappiness, we hand over our power.
We become consumers of pain – medicated, analysed, and pacified – instead of creators of change.
But the moment you realise you are choosing your patterns (even the painful ones), something incredible happens:
You realise you can also choose differently.
Adler didn’t deny that painful things happen.
He simply said: it’s not the event, but the meaning we attach to it, that shapes our lives.
That’s where our freedom lies.
We can take our stories and either pass on sludge and pain – or we can extract wisdom and pass on empowerment.
Victor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning, captured this beautifully:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”
So the question becomes: What meaning will I choose to give my story?
Entrepreneur Alex Hormozi once said, “Your power follows the finger of blame.”
And that image stuck with me. Because wherever your finger is pointing — at parents, society, abusers, partners — that’s where your power is draining.
When we point it back to ourselves, not in self-blame but in self-responsibility, we reclaim control.
The question is no longer “What happened to me?” but “What am I going to do now?”
That’s where the shift begins.
In The Courage to Be Disliked, the philosopher tells a story of a young man who refused to go outside.
He insisted it was because of his past — his trauma, his fear, his pain.
But the philosopher challenged him: it wasn’t the past keeping him indoors.
He was choosing to stay home because it served a current purpose — the care and attention of his parents.
When that purpose changed, his behaviour could change too.
It’s confronting, yes. But also deeply empowering.
Because if our actions are driven by present goals, then we’re free to set new ones — starting today.
So, here’s my invitation to you.
If you’re feeling stuck, broken, trapped, or imprisoned by a story – rewrite it.Reframe it. Take your power back by taking responsibility.
Set new goals. And if you’re afraid, good — because fear is an invitation to become more. Don’t let fear stop you. It’s far more painful to have never tried. If you must choose, choose a little remorse over a lifetime of regret.
Your past is not your prison; it is time to pre-frame your next glorious act!
Lots of love
Michelle
xxx
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